Amazed at discovering new emotions …

I noticed something about myself recently that I find quite amusing and surprising. I am enjoying domesticity! I am on a long break between teaching assignments and not having planned anything, just took each day as it came, and, I found myself enjoying doing nothing!

If my mother were alive today, she would have been so happy! Her major complaint about me was that I was hardly ever at home. I was always off somewhere joining some group about a cause or out with friends or doing something always outside and never at home. Then, along came my career and a very difficult period in my life and I couldn’t do anything else but barely stayed alive. When I got better, my career began to progress but soon the stress got to me and I made the wise decision to switch and go back to teaching and freelancing.

Bougainvillea outside my window

View from my living room sofa

Apart from the huge loss of income, I don’t regret the decision. It gave me the time to sort things out and I resolved all the major issues in my life while keeping my skills active and working. The pace was less intense but I was still busy and spent more time away from home than in it!

Even when I had a long break, I would get anxious. What am I supposed to do? And would plan something to be busy. But, this break, for some reason I didn’t make any plans to be occupied. And, I lost that sense of panic of what am I going to do? In the absence of that panic and anxiety — for the first time in my life — I discovered that the long pauses of staying home and doing “nothing” were actually relaxing and enjoyable! 

I cook, clean up, read, do my freelance work, tend to my garden, watch a lot of American TV online, do the groceries, do some household chores, go walking and swimming as often as I can, visit or are visited by friends and relatives and in between catch a little bit of excitement attending a rally or some other event, and blogging! All at my own pace, and totally stress-free!

Every morning I sit on my sofa in the living room, gaze out of my window, take in the view and revel in being “home”. It’s a pretty view from my sofa. The bougainvillea hangs over my window and this season the boughs are full of blooming pink flowers (see picture). I love it!

There’s, of course, the stress of meeting deadlines but it is very manageable. But, this break, I don’t have much freelance work, so my days are relatively free. In between chores and duties, I potter around the house and I am amazed that I like being home!

I can’t understand it. I don’t know why I am suddenly anxiety-free. Because I am not anxious about anything, I enjoy a peace and sense of security — new emotions that I am experiencing. That’s what, I guess, my mother wanted for me which I never knew all these years. Finally, I know what it means. Emotionally, it’s indeed a good place I’m in!

 

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